Basira Alli: Why Muslim Women Do Not Enjoy Sex

I do not have the power to be in every bedroom, my experience is from my work counseling several couples most especially woman and also from a lot of personal experience. I know sex, I understand sex and I recognise its value in man woman relationships most especially in marriages. There are three known things that we all know sustains marriages aside all the love and friendship and what not - finance, sex and children. The absence of one of these three key elements can definitely affect any marriage however solid it seems. We are humans, we will always copulate either for recreation or procreation but there is a marked difference between sex and making love. What most married people do is to have sex while very few actually make love. Sex is what you have with anyone with no feelings attached, sex is the physical act, the actual activity. Love making on the other hand involves a lot of emotional energy which comes from chemical connection of one person to the other. It is love making that is enjoyable and fulfilling. It is a common practice in Muslims the world over that women marry against their will. A father can easily decide his daughter's fate by betrothing her to her cousin or a man of his choice without much of her consent. Girls, even of nowadays marry for different reasons; I was hitting 30 and he was the only one disturbing me, he was the only Muslim guy around, he is rich and so many other reasons. When there is no emotional attachment to someone, sex become mundane, like a task, some thing to quickly do and get it over with. Even with a dozen children, sex is not enjoyed in such case. I will briefly highlight other reasons why women do not enjoy sex with their husbands: - Sex can be painful when one of them wants it and the other is being pressured or forced to do it - When no emotion is involved - When the woman is not well stimulated before rushing into sex - When sex becomes rape - When the man takes long to ejaculate - Premature ejaculation - Infection - Rough sex that has to do with deep thrusting - Position of sex especially with a virgin - Lack of experience "According to the Qur'an, the purpose of marriage is to attain sukun (tranquility and peace) Q30:21; 7:189), which can never be achieved through impulsive sexual fulfillment unless it is accompanied by mutual love, affection, caring, and sharing, which are all part of a fulfilling and productive marriage relationship. Islam, as we know is holistic and thus sexual fulfillment can never be detached from an attitude of mutual respect, love, and emotional attachment, otherwise it can hardly be distinguished from the behavior of brutes. The Prophet (saw) warned couples against hopping into beds like birds without proper foreplay and preparation, which includes showing affection and tender care. "Among the rulings of marriage is that each spouse is allowed to derive sexual pleasure from the other." (Radd al-Muhtar, 3.4). Sexual acts starts from the foreplay. It is possible to get sexually fulfilled without the penetration, the penetration is just the icing on a cake. Sex is one of the major reasons people cheat in marriages, although some people are not naturally contented. Most men do like variety of women, but, clearly there are people who are not sexually satisfied and cheat. Men just want to satisfy their urge without putting the woman into consideration in some cases. They believe the ball is in their court and can do whatever they like as a man. Men need to change this mentality and not just have sex but make love. Also: "...on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (Q4:19)" There is always need for communication, tell each other what you want, what you enjoy, how best you want it. Sex is for both to enjoy and be satisfied not just one person. Spouses should provide sexual fulfillment (imta) to each other as part of a good marriage. Women can also teach their men how they can be satisfied in bed. Communication is paramount in any relationship. Maa salaam. Basira Alli is a wife, mother, counselor, family therapist and sexpert. When she is not counseling, she is writing short plays and poems. It is her dream to write a blockbuster that will end on big screens worldwide.

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