HOW DO I STOP PORN ADDICTION AS A MUSLIM?

Dear 1one4 Aunty,

Before anything, let me blame myself. I am at fault in this sin. I will deliberately be vague in some things. Anyways, you don’t know who I am. Even if you think you do, you still do not know me. I feel sorry for myself. I don’t know if I want you to feel sorry for me- I am not sure. But if you are in the same mess, then feel sorry for yourself. It is really a deep mess.  I have to be truthful, this is heavy in my heart.

I'm in my late twenties. The problem started since during my teen era. I won't go into details of how i started getting addicted to porn in my early twenties. I was totally hooked into it. Trust me, the emergence of the internet made it totally worst. I remember back then when I had to go to video rental and pay extra naira to get a porn VCR tape. That’s not all; I wait till midnight when everyone was asleep to watch my addiction.

With internet, I could visit free porn website, download and lay in the comfort of my room. My addiction started like a joke. Then gradually, it became something uncontrollable. The first time I made a transaction with my master card online was on a porn site. Deep within me, I knew I had graduated to another level. Desperation don enter am. When I took people’s phones (peer group, of course), first thing I do is go to the media, then videos and scroll to search for porn. If there was, I would smile and then the Bluetooth is on- transfer completed.

Yes, I was a Muslim back then but couldn't be called a practicing Muslim. I never prayed, never fasted, and never attended lectures. It was just me, alcohol, smoke and of course, my porn. With time, things changed. I started praying, fasting, attended lectures and even read the Qur'an. So why haven't i changed?

I have promised myself hundreds of times that I was going to stop after every last time. I have fasted, read the Qur'an and prayed the bad habit go. I am mentally fatigued by the daily battle inside me between my crazy habit and my conscience as a Muslim. I really want it to stop but it is proving very difficult. Does the fact that I am truly willing to stop make me a better sinner?

Well, I don’t know but it makes me feel better. But it is so sickening that I ask Allah to forgive me when I know deep within myself that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. The past has taught me that I always find a way of going back to it. Sometimes, it took weeks, sometimes days, and other times - hours. Depression is an understatement. I need a stronger word to describe how it truly feels.

As a Muslim, this act is disgraceful. I cannot just tell anyone. When I think of the fact that someday, I am going to face Allah and say a lot of things I’d done, I get so scared; yet so weak. And I would have preferred if my weakness was physical. But it is mental. Why the heck can I not stop watching porn?  

I don’t want to over weigh myself with my problem. I just normally ignore the latter and tackle the former (which hasn't been successful). Sometimes, I think I am just too lazy. I rely too much on God (which is generally a beautiful thing but...). It almost like I expect God to just turn off a switch to end this lifelong nightmare. Where is my effort?

I know deep down my mind that this isn't shaytan. I know it is nafs. I know i am my own problem. It is my inner evil pushing me to get more intense desires. For instance, I know eating pork is Haram and I don't go near it. In fact, I have trained myself to hate it. Same goes to alcohol. For years, I have not tasted a single drop of alcohol. I have totally distanced myself from it. It is now so easy for me to say "I don't drink alcohol"

I also know porn is Haram and I cannot stop it. There is no justification expect myself. I do it to please myself and nothing more. I don’t want to take too much of your time. I have tried (maybe not enough) but this time I need advice. In fact, I need help. Tell me what I need to do. Have you ever been in these terrible shoes and you overcome it? Let me know how you did it. Have you seen or know someone who went pass this very long road of struggle? Help a brother. I will read every single comment.

Anonymous brother,