Right of Reply: Why Men Do Not Enjoy Sex, Especially With Muslim Women

I read the article your magazine posted yesterday on why Muslim women do not enjoy sex and I noticed a lot of the blame was put at the doorstep of men. The presentation was as if men are vultures, made to devour and get off quickly. I beg to differ on this. Men are human beings too, we have a heart and a lot of emotions and like to really enjoy sex, especially with our women. While I do not claim to be a sexpert like Basira Alli, I have been married for over 12 years and understand women, marriage and sex. So this is coming from a place of experience and a lot of insight. I will highlight reasons why a man might not enjoy sex especially with Muslim women. Let me add that this is not only Muslim women, but Nigerian women generally. 1. Man and woman existed before the children came along. A marriage is not only about children, children, and children. Men too like to be pampered, they like to be given adequate attention, they like to be listened to, and they crave attention. After children, women tend to focus all of her time and attention on children ignoring the husband. There is need for alone time, dates nights, quality time together. If there is loss of tenderness, sex would definitely become routine, like a chore, something to do and get it over with. No one is enjoying anything at this stage. Women should know that the journey started with the couple and after the kids are gone, it will remain the two again. You have to learn to keep the fire burning in spite of the kids. 2. Muslim women have to be more creative in bed. It is not just about lying down and he does his thing and gets off. Missionary position is a thing of the past; some men want adventure and do not get it. We want a woman that can teach us a thing or two. Marriage involves ingenuity; constant thoughts of how to spice up the relationship and make it more worthwhile and interesting. Love making becomes mundane and boring after some time into most marriages and becomes just basic sex if there is any intimacy at all. Not very nice. I understand that as a relationships age, sex can lose its compelling nature, but at least while we are still young, let’s get it going in different styles. We should always enjoy the act. 3. Some women are fond of wearing men off - When you want sex is when they start reminding you of the rent, of school fees, of the house you are still building and they do not just say it, they start to nag about it. Even if you end up having sex, the mood has been killed and the aim defeated. Our women need to understand timing and need to be more romantic and sensitive. 4. Sex as a game - I have a friend; he is very low key and lives life quietly. Anytime he wants sex, the wife remembers that she wants to buy Senegalese, or some gold necklace or some designer shoe and bag. A lot of women do this especially to men that are inclined to having one woman throughout life. My friend would need to promise her whatever she wants and hand over his ATM card or write a cheque before he sleeps with his own wife. This is pure blackmail. If this man rapes his wife, won’t she cry foul? How does one enjoy sex with a woman like that? 5. Disagreements and Stress - When there are interpersonal difficulties between the couple, many men will avoid sex or just plain refuse their wife's advances. Some men punish their wives by withholding sex, but for others it's not a matter of punishment, they just cannot muster sexual feelings when there are unresolved conflicts. Too much stress in a marriage hampers sexual appetite. There could be financial difficulties, challenges at work, and issues involving extended family members. There are many more sources of stress. There is need for harmony to be able to enjoy love making and a marriage in a general sense These are my humble submissions on why it is sometimes difficult for men to enjoy their sexual life, their women and their marriages. Well done 1one4 team for opening up these discussions. Salaam. AbuAisha is an IT specialist and a business executive. He is married to one wife but plans to complete the sunnah by marrying three more wives. He wrote this from Lagos.

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