YUSUF - THANKS BUT NO THANKS

Dear Diary: I just listened to a nice lecture about marriage on the Deen Show. Of all the things the Imam said in over half an hour, there was just one sentence that stuck with me which I don\'t think I will ever forget. He said, \'do not expect to buy a broken car and hire the best mechanic to fix it\', meaning, we should choose our spouses wisely because a bad choice of spouse is a nightmare of a marriage that cannot be fixed. The sermon reminded me about Yusuf, the Nigerian doctor I met at the dating in Islam seminar. I was excited about our meeting and saw it as a sign from Allah that he would give me a man at such an event. He looked like the complete package in my excited little mind, but thanks to the power of Istikhaara dua, I have since realized that he is not Allah’s choice for me, Alhamdulillah. Yusuf called two days after the seminar when I had almost given up home of him ever calling. He told me how busy his life is with graduate studies, preparation for his qualifying exams and a part time job. That seemed okay with me, who wants a man that’s got too much time on his hands anyway? He also told me he had been married before but the marriage, which ended over a year ago, lasted for less than two years. I made a mental note to find out the details as we got to know each other better. Being previously married should not be a problem if he was not quick tempered, disrespectful and/or abusive, right? In the four weeks we talked, I found him to be quite nice, generous, trustworthy and easy to talk to. His relationship with Allah was also admirable, but he was just too busy and emotionally unavailable. At first I thought he was that way because of his exams and work schedule but I later realized that it was much bigger than that. This man just didn\'t understand what attention meant to women and most of all was unwilling to learn because he is so absorbed in his own world.  Ever seen a nice and kind selfish person? Well I just tried marrying one. Once he made his intention known, I began making my dua and Allah worked his miracles. I began to see another side of the ‘nice dude’. The selfishness came to the fore, the fact that he thinks marital success depends almost solely on the man getting the respect he deserves was too apparent, nothing about the woman getting the love and attention she needs seemed to matter to him. I tested him with some of my war stories from previous relationships and failed marriages of some friends we had in common, and he found ways%20to justify some abusive behavior on the part of the men. I was however still holding on thinking I ‘could work with this’ until we had a conversation last Monday that sent me straight to the exit sign. I asked him what he wanted in a wife and he corrected me by saying “you mean what I want in my wives?” I thought I did not hear him correctly, so I asked him again. He then spent the next thirty minutes telling me why he had to absolutely be a polygamist, you would think it was a command that Allah made compulsory for all men. I wondered why someone who did not even succeed at monogamy was so bent on practicing polygamy, then as if he read my mind, he said it: he wanted more than one wife so that the women would focus on fighting one another and not him, they would know their time with him was limited so within the short time each wife had with him, she would focus on making him happy instead of quarreling with him. He did not have to be loyal to them, but they had to be to him.  I thought he was joking but he was as serious as a heart attack, that was my ‘ha ha’ moment and my indication to check out of ‘selfish avenue’. So I told him ‘thanks but no thanks’ and put myself right back on the market. Next week is my 30th birthday insha Allah, please remember me in your dua. The number one gift I want from Allah is a man who will be joy to my eyes and who will lead me and our pure and blessed children towards the path of jannah, Ameen. As – Salam Alaekum warahmatullah wabarakahtuhu

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